4.20.16 Don't feel like it

i don't feel like blogging. i'm in a rut.

i feel like i haven't had a connection with Master in a really long time.

Aside from that, there may be some changes that will be made. i have yet to speak with Master about this as He is busy at work this week.

This is where long distance relationships are difficult. Waiting...

4.16.16 Just a day

Nothing exceptional. Just a vanilla day. Tired. Need to come up with something good for the blog. Have to think a bit. Actually sometimes i just want some time off.

Talked to someone new on Fet today about LDR's. Seems she is having a bit of a struggle. No positive direction either. She needs to remove herself from the bad situation she is in. Never settle for second! Never. Although.............................unfortunately it depends on the situation and whether or not you accept it.

For example...........what if your Dom/Master is married. What then? There are a lot of things to think about and whether or not you can handle them and if they are acceptable or not.

Know what you want and never rush into any relationship. Still, any questions, email me. i always look forward to talking to new people.

lovingbea1971@gmail.com

4.15.16 Not a bad Friday i must say...

Been looking for another job............had a really great interview today. i'm hoping the outcome will be good.  Everything crossed!!!!

Lots on my mind. Need to think more before saying....................

4.14.16 So i said it

Oliver was over and i needed a cocktail to do it, but i said it.

Well not the actual word "no", but i did tell "The Body" that i couldn't see him. i told him i had a boyfriend. Lol. If he only knew!

Apparently telling other men that i have a boyfriend isn't so difficult for me. i told another man the same thing just a few hours ago.

i have to be honest though and say that i feel extremely horrible about it. i have no clue why. i feel sad and sorry. Looking for information to try and figure out why i feel this way......

4.13.16 i can't do it....i can't say....

....no.

i will tell a little story.

Last year during the summer, prior to meeting Oliver, there was a man that i wanted to have sex with. He offered. i do not know if he is anything other than vanilla. It was just someone i could be physical with when Master knew i was ready to be physical with someone.

His nickname is 'The body'. Why? Because one day he text me a nude photo of himself out of literally no where. Right outta the blue - BAM! Well H.E.L.L.O! i have to say that i was interested.

That being said i tried to hook up with him several times but nothing ever panned out, and to be honest i wasn't sure i could have sex with him anyway........being demi and all that. i was scared. But i really did want it, so i had a huge back and forth going on in my demi mind. Sucked big time. Master approved it if it were to ever happen.

Anyway, i hadn't heard from The body in months, more than several, and in between that time i had heard he was in some sort of relationship with someone. Fine whatever. i wasn't pining for The body or anything. After all i barely knew him...........well mentally anyway, cause i certainly did see a lot of him physically. i actually only talked to him in person a few times.

So Sunday morning at exactly 3:08 am i get a text from him saying "I love you". Um, what?

Later that morning, when he woke, we text back and forth a bit and he asked me to get together with him. What did i say? i told him i'd get back to him. Why? Because i freakin' can't say no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No when in hell will Master allow me to see this guy.

i explained to Master what happened and He has given me until Friday of this week to tell The body "no". He says i need to start learning that i can say it. i am seriously stressing about it and i am scared. Why am i scared? i have absolutely no clue. Could it be because i am so submissive that i can't say it? Did something happen in my lifetime to cause this?

What, why, how?

Is anyone else like this? 

4.12.16 Small pics from weekend

These aren't anything much, i don't think anyway. i look forward to what pics will be taken in the warmer weather ;)!

This particular vibe did put me into sub space for some reason. i'm not sure why. i think had we been able to continue i could have gone deeper. Now i know. i want deeper. i love going dark. 

4.11.16 Update on the weekend....

The weekend was great. i couldn't update yesterday because i was not feeling well at all. i think i was having a blood sugar issue. To be honest, i'm feeling quite lazy tonight as well. What's wrong with me?

Oliver and i played Saturday. He brought a paddle. Wood. It hurts. i must say that i still like the crop the best. Actually i can say that i love the crop. The paddle i would say could possibly be used as a punishment tool. It did hurt that bad. Even more than a hand. Yikes!

i did also cum in public, but not in a very public way. Unfortunately because of circumstances (ie: the weather), i couldn't do it as like i would have enjoyed to.

i do have a picture but have to get it approved before posting. Perhaps tomorrow. i was quite busy today so i didn't have time to discuss it with Master.

Feeling down.......need the warm weather i think.............................