4.20.16 Don't feel like it

i don't feel like blogging. i'm in a rut.

i feel like i haven't had a connection with Master in a really long time.

Aside from that, there may be some changes that will be made. i have yet to speak with Master about this as He is busy at work this week.

This is where long distance relationships are difficult. Waiting...

4.16.16 Just a day

Nothing exceptional. Just a vanilla day. Tired. Need to come up with something good for the blog. Have to think a bit. Actually sometimes i just want some time off.

Talked to someone new on Fet today about LDR's. Seems she is having a bit of a struggle. No positive direction either. She needs to remove herself from the bad situation she is in. Never settle for second! Never. Although.............................unfortunately it depends on the situation and whether or not you accept it.

For example...........what if your Dom/Master is married. What then? There are a lot of things to think about and whether or not you can handle them and if they are acceptable or not.

Know what you want and never rush into any relationship. Still, any questions, email me. i always look forward to talking to new people.

lovingbea1971@gmail.com

4.15.16 Not a bad Friday i must say...

Been looking for another job............had a really great interview today. i'm hoping the outcome will be good.  Everything crossed!!!!

Lots on my mind. Need to think more before saying....................

4.14.16 So i said it

Oliver was over and i needed a cocktail to do it, but i said it.

Well not the actual word "no", but i did tell "The Body" that i couldn't see him. i told him i had a boyfriend. Lol. If he only knew!

Apparently telling other men that i have a boyfriend isn't so difficult for me. i told another man the same thing just a few hours ago.

i have to be honest though and say that i feel extremely horrible about it. i have no clue why. i feel sad and sorry. Looking for information to try and figure out why i feel this way......

4.13.16 i can't do it....i can't say....

....no.

i will tell a little story.

Last year during the summer, prior to meeting Oliver, there was a man that i wanted to have sex with. He offered. i do not know if he is anything other than vanilla. It was just someone i could be physical with when Master knew i was ready to be physical with someone.

His nickname is 'The body'. Why? Because one day he text me a nude photo of himself out of literally no where. Right outta the blue - BAM! Well H.E.L.L.O! i have to say that i was interested.

That being said i tried to hook up with him several times but nothing ever panned out, and to be honest i wasn't sure i could have sex with him anyway........being demi and all that. i was scared. But i really did want it, so i had a huge back and forth going on in my demi mind. Sucked big time. Master approved it if it were to ever happen.

Anyway, i hadn't heard from The body in months, more than several, and in between that time i had heard he was in some sort of relationship with someone. Fine whatever. i wasn't pining for The body or anything. After all i barely knew him...........well mentally anyway, cause i certainly did see a lot of him physically. i actually only talked to him in person a few times.

So Sunday morning at exactly 3:08 am i get a text from him saying "I love you". Um, what?

Later that morning, when he woke, we text back and forth a bit and he asked me to get together with him. What did i say? i told him i'd get back to him. Why? Because i freakin' can't say no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No when in hell will Master allow me to see this guy.

i explained to Master what happened and He has given me until Friday of this week to tell The body "no". He says i need to start learning that i can say it. i am seriously stressing about it and i am scared. Why am i scared? i have absolutely no clue. Could it be because i am so submissive that i can't say it? Did something happen in my lifetime to cause this?

What, why, how?

Is anyone else like this? 

4.12.16 Small pics from weekend

These aren't anything much, i don't think anyway. i look forward to what pics will be taken in the warmer weather ;)!

This particular vibe did put me into sub space for some reason. i'm not sure why. i think had we been able to continue i could have gone deeper. Now i know. i want deeper. i love going dark. 

4.11.16 Update on the weekend....

The weekend was great. i couldn't update yesterday because i was not feeling well at all. i think i was having a blood sugar issue. To be honest, i'm feeling quite lazy tonight as well. What's wrong with me?

Oliver and i played Saturday. He brought a paddle. Wood. It hurts. i must say that i still like the crop the best. Actually i can say that i love the crop. The paddle i would say could possibly be used as a punishment tool. It did hurt that bad. Even more than a hand. Yikes!

i did also cum in public, but not in a very public way. Unfortunately because of circumstances (ie: the weather), i couldn't do it as like i would have enjoyed to.

i do have a picture but have to get it approved before posting. Perhaps tomorrow. i was quite busy today so i didn't have time to discuss it with Master.

Feeling down.......need the warm weather i think.............................

4.9.16 Saturday is awesome fun

Um, so i came in public while Oliver was watching. Um, can you say wood? Lol. Ironically there was a truck full of wood in front of us. Hysterical.

Back home and got my fave....the crop. Love it!!! Would love more. And, as always, gotta love that gspot find! Dam! Ha!

Ok, gotta go for now...............more update lata'! The night is young ;)! 

4.8.16 Dealing w/ other Dom's and what i have gotten turned on by...

Ok, so i've always wondered how i should treat another Dom that has contacted me, or if i were ever in the presence of another Dom. i read on Fet today what others thought of that, and i was very glad that i did. Gave me clarification.

First Master always says give everyone respect unless they disrespect you and then i have full permission to tell them off aka sticking up for myself. Of course that is still a problem with me as i have an issue being mean to others (as well as saying no). i usually find the "easy way out". my set of balls have seem to diminish. Little raisins now - ha. Ok then...

So anyway, the peeps on Fet agreed that treating others with respect until they disrespect you is the way to go, or unless you are told otherwise by your Dom. Therefore, i don't have to treat other Doms as i would treat Master. i may be a sub, but i am not theirs. i am His. Going forward if i am contacted by a Dom, i will now know how to act. Friendly, respectful, already owned, and so on.

i've been thinking a lot lately about humiliation. i sometimes think about the first time that i squirted. It was for an old Dom that i used to be under. It was the first time i said the word 'Master' out loud. It was initially embarrassing for me to say and i think that was the reason i squirted. i remember it making my face red, but somehow it really turned me on. Clearly, ergo the squirting.

i wonder what humiliation i could endure to have that happen again? i know that i would not like to be degraded. At least i think so. To be honest, i'm not 100% sure. i know i'm not a slave, i'm a sub. Is there a degrading difference? More research...

Busy day, but lonely one without Master. He was unavailable. All part of being long distance. One of it's down falls. It's okay though. We all make out of our relationships what we need and want. i am a supporter of LDR's. They can and do work. In case you were wondering or if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me. Again, my email is lovingbea1971@gmail.com, or i'm also on Yahoo at lovingbea1971sub. 

4.7.16 A fun order

This is kinda my Friday with Master. Although i will have some contact with Him tomorrow, i feel it probably will not be much.

He's given me an order for the weekend though. An exciting one.

i must cum in public!

i will say that i am very excited about this task. Master said that i can either have Oliver with me or not. i can also use a toy if i so choose. Most likely i will as i cannot cum alone without one. i hope i can either find a quiet vibrator or a loud bar!

i'm hoping to see Oliver on Saturday. Maybe we can do this then? i hope so. i think i'd feel more comfortable with him there??? i guess it depends. i mean if i am out in public in my car i would probably feel okay. i've done that before with Master.......while driving!

Hee hee - it's going to be so much fun! i just hope the weather holds out!

i will definitely take pictures and post after permission!

Gotta go check the batteries ;) .....

4.6.16 Need the warmer weather to have some fun....

So bored.

i think Master is tired of me being cold. It's hard to do anything fun outside in this freezing weather. We need a little excitement. i've been feeling very vanilla - bluck!

i forgot to do my monthly report for Master. Like the whole month forgot. i didn't even start to research a topic or anything!!!! Yikes. And here i am bored out of my mind.

i told Him that i forgot and He said He would think about it. i'm waiting. i hate waiting. That alone is a punishment. Waiting around wondering what He will do. Torture!

This is how committed i am to Him. i tell Him when i do something wrong. i am an honest person. If i don't tell Him something it eats and eats at me until i get it out.

It's funny how people try and break that commitment i have to Him. Just had an old acquaintance try again yesterday. Why do people do this? i find it strange and i don't understand it. Does this happen to all subs?

Oh i wanted to get back to you on the hive issue after using the crop? Gee did i mention that? If not, i've been getting hives on my ass after Oliver uses the crop on me. i looked it up. Apparently you can get hives on any spot if there is blood flow to a certain area. i guess i should just expect them now since the crop, so far, is my favorite. Next stop.....the paddle.

4.5.16 Pain....but not my head this time

Oliver used the crop on me over the weekend, like i stated. But i realized something after he was done.

It hit (lol - that wasn't intentional) me that pain does not turn me on. Not at all. But..............i crave it. i love it. i need it.

The pain, for me, helps me forget anything that is going on in my life that causes me stress. As an over thinker, i have a lot of things that cause me stress. Getting the pain only allows me to concentrate on that alone. It's wonderful.


i could use a little pain right now......

So liking and needing pain....does this make me a masochist? Perhaps, yea i guess. i'd like to see what other pain i could be given. We know i didn't enjoy the wax. Perhaps that could be used as a form of punishment? i'm not sure since i should give that another go at some point. What other pain would i be into. Right now, it's mostly concentrated on my ass and the back of my legs a bit. i will have to look into that...............

4.4.16 Pain

Migraine is back. 

4.3.16 Saturday night

Last night was fun, as always.

i'm beginning to think that Oliver really likes taking me from behind :) - it's mostly how he does. i guess it's his favorite. Master gave him some permission for ass play, so we get to add that in as well. i do think my ass needs to be retrained a bit though.......i'm wondering how often does a sub get trained that way? Perhaps just a week leading up to a session, a day?

Oliver also used his handcuffs last night, put me over a bean bag chair and used my pussy. Prior, he spanked my pussy and behind with the crop. Mmmmmmm really really love that crop. i love the sting of it so much better than anything so far.

Funny, Oliver said last night that my ass was nice and marked. Guess what....not a single mark stayed! What's up with that? i wonder why my ass doesn't keep marks. i'll have to look into that.

Before i go for the day, i do want to mention that if ever you would like to reach out to me personally, my email address is:

lovingbea1971@gmail.com

Tomorrow is Monday and Master and i are back to our normal. Always settles me. i do hope He is enjoying His weekend. 

4.2.16 Yay

Oliver is back!!!!!!

Feels so much better having him home again. i feel relieved. Happy.

i have been given permission to cum and to have sex and so far i am extremely grateful. Amazing as always!

More details to follow tomorrow...................hee hee hee! 

4.1.16 My face..............

APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know, i know......was mean. i haven't played a single prank on anyone today! Pfft! 

Welcome to April. i'm looking forward to a another new month with Master. He says He has some new things in store and i'm really looking forward to them. Yes, our relationship has changed a bit, but all for good. Change can be good sometimes. It has taken me awhile to understand that. Who knows, maybe one day it will go back to the way it was. Maybe someday i will move closer to Master? That would be a dream come true for me. 

Yes, most of us know that LDR's are hard, but we also know that they are worth it. i've gotten so much satisfaction out of this relationship. More than any vanilla one. Do i struggle sometimes? Absolutely. Do i not want to do some of my routine? Totally! i sometimes tell Master that it is a good thing we are so far from each other because i'm not sure how He would take my eye rolling when i get an order. Ha! Yikes! 

So something new. i've just told Master that i think i am forming a bit of social anxiety. Every time a friend asks me out i always make up an excuse not to go. i like to stay in the comforts of my own home. Anything outside of that makes me nervous. If i'm not familiar with something i stay away. It has to be something that i am comfortable with. 

Tonight i was told that i have to go out. i also have two things that i have to do while i am out. One, wear my plug. Two, my collar around my leg. i know the reason for the collar. It's so i feel Him with me and know that i will always be safe.  i've nothing to worry about. The plug, He told me, is to keep my mind off being nervous. i will be concentrating on the plug instead. i'm guessing the lesson here is to know that no matter what He will protect me and that i've no reason to be nervous. See what happens the next time i am asked to go out.......